Role Reversal: Why Our Boys Struggle in School

She recognized the handwriting on the envelope, and Christine Koehler’s stomach sank. The Marietta, GA, mom of two had just gotten home from her job as an insurance adjuster and was already dreading the nightly homework ordeal with her 9-year-old son, Robert. She was not in the mood for another note from his fourth-grade teacher.

Practically since the first day of kindergarten, Robert had struggled to keep up. Teacher after teacher sent home notes, called Christine at work or took her aside at Field Day. Initially, it blindsided her, as her 12-year-old daughter, Alyssa, who had had most of the same teachers as Robert, earned good grades with ease. Today, however, the questions remain: Is it him? Is it me? Or is it something beyond our control, like the school system? says Christine, “My husband and I are beyond frustrated. We’ve tried everything we can think of, and still he just scrapes by. The worst part is that lately he says he hates school.” Even worse, when Christine turns to her mom friends for their take, most don’t seem surprised. “They say things like ‘Well, he’s a boy…’ What does that even mean?” she asks with a sigh.

What it means is that “male” has become synonymous with “underachieving” at school: “This education gender gap is certainly not a myth, and it’s getting worse,” insists child and family psychologist John Duffy, PsyD, author of The Available Parent.

Just a few decades ago, it was girls who needed a leg up to reach the academic achievements boys attained. But the tide has turned. Female students now score higher in reading than their male counterparts at all three ages measured (9, 13 and 17), according to the National Center for Education Statistics. And recently published research from the University of Missouri–Columbia and the University of Glasgow finds that 15-year-old girls now lead the way in overall academic achievement—in math and science as well as reading—in 70 percent of countries studied.

The Seesaw Effect

While there’s no one reason for this academic gender shift, many experts say a great boost for American girls came in the 1960s and ’70s with the passage of Title IX. That, plus $100 million in government funding, helped level the education playing field for girls. Before this, programs in all subjects, including what we now call STEM, almost solely benefited boys. “Title IX was a critical correction,” says Dr. Duffy. By the ’90s, girls had not only caught up, they began to surge ahead in school.

Some experts now say we need a comparable boost for boys. “The school system accommodates the learning styles of girls more than boys,” argues Dr. Duffy. “Specifically, kids are expected to listen to a lecture or other dissemination of information for extended periods of time.” Most girls are better able to handle this approach, while “many, many boys soon reach the limit of their attention span and can no longer process information with the same acuity.”

Classrooms have essentially always functioned this way. In fact, perhaps surprisingly, girls have generally scored higher GPAs than boys as far back as we have data, says Claudia Buchmann, PhD, professor of sociology at Ohio State University and co-author of The Rise of Women: The Growing Gender Gap in Education and What It Means for American Schools. What’s changed is that in recent years more girls have begun to more effectively leverage their better performance in class, resulting in higher rates of acceptance to colleges than boys. In fact, women are now 33 percent more likely to earn a college degree by age 27 than men, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics.

How Boys Learn

Simply put, noncognitive skills—the ability to sit still, pay attention, share, take turns and so on—develop later in boys than girls. “This lag is expected and accepted in preschool, but by kindergarten, both parents and teachers are wary of treating boys and girls in different ways,” explains family therapist Cynthia Gill, co-author of Jump-Starting Boys. “And the trend in kindergarten has been, and will continue to be, pushing academics over child-initiated activities, which can favor girls over boys.”

What does work for young boys? Shorter periods of paying attention to lessons; more breaks where they can get up, run around and burn off steam; more active learning through play (this doesn’t hurt girls, either). And role models. Anecdotal evidence suggests that men find it easier to relate to boys’ learning styles than women do. Yet despite the evidence of their positive effect on boys’ behavior and self-esteem, there remains a dearth of male teachers in lower grades. “Male teachers and staff are significantly underrepresented in elementary schools,” notes Segun Eubanks, director of teacher quality for the National Education Association. “This very well could have significant impact on the perceptions of both boys and girls and on their overall school experience.”

What is not responsible for the gap in academic achievement between boys and girls, however, is a difference in intelligence or cognitive abilities, Dr. Buchmann stresses. Instead, she says, “it has to do with girls’ advantage in social and behavioral skills.” Such skills, including planning and organization, are important because they directly impact academic performance. In boys, the regions of the brain responsible for these skills are slower to develop.

Parental Guidance

What’s a concerned (and perhaps guilt-laden) working parent to do? If your son is struggling in school, or you just want to bolster his chances for a good outcome, consider these strategies:

Help him develop skills that lead to success. “Work with your child on abilities like task persistence and organization [see “Help with Crucial Success Skills” below], which will help him become a better learner,” says Dr. Buchmann. Hiring an educational therapist can be invaluable in some difficult situations. “The therapist can help a child learn those noncognitive skills needed to thrive in school and beyond.” Find one via the Association of educational therapists (aetonline.org).

Focus on his interests. Instead of worrying about what your son should like, focus on what he does like. “If he’s into space travel, read about space. Write about space. go visit a space museum. Equate math problems to space,” suggests Robyn Silverman, PhD, a New Jersey–based child and teen developmental specialist and mom of two. “Use what your child likes as an anchor to learning. It will keep him interested, and everything will make more sense to him.”

Ask for help. If your child’s current teacher isn’t a great fit for his learning style, ask him, “Who was your favorite teacher?” Some extra help sessions with a teacher he clicked with—even a few grades back—can give him a needed boost. Many teachers tutor on evenings or weekends, so it’s worth reaching out.

Build on his natural curiosity. A scavenger hunt around the house or yard is a great way to do that, says Byron V. Garrett, chairman of the nonprofit National Family Engagement Alliance. If you theme it on a topic being studied at school, like geology or ocean creatures or art, it becomes a chance to develop vocabulary and commit facts to memory.

Teach (frustration) tolerance. Let him earn rewards for good deeds and behavior over time, but avoid offering instant gratification for single acts. “You can do this in most any area of life,” says Dr. Duffy, “and eventually children will apply their newfound patience and persistence at school.”

Don’t force reading. “The more you push, the more they pull away,” notes Garrett. A trick he’s found to work for many boys: As your son watches a favorite TV show, turn the volume down and turn on the closed captioning. Encourage him to read aloud. Not only will he get reading practice, it also provides an opportunity for you to engage directly with him and discuss the show.

Now that girls are thriving academically, we need to better support our boys from the youngest ages, keeping in mind their fundamental strengths and struggles. This movement will be a win-win in the long run, with both genders routinely reaching their full potentials. “All our kids are capable and competent,” says Dr. Duffy. “We just need to provide an educational structure that enables them to recognize these characteristics within themselves.”

Red Flags

Every boy is unique, of course. But if you suspect your son might be in over his head at school, watch for these universal warning signs, says developmental specialist Dr. Robyn Silverman:
* Attempts to get out of school, either by wheedling or feigning illness.
* Calls himself stupid, especially while doing homework.
* Posts slipping scores, especially as work increases at higher grade levels, which he can’t seem to bring back up.
For any of these, a call to the teacher is warranted. the situation may not be as serious as you fear. It could just be that your child lacks confidence and is giving up too soon—or is bored and doesn’t feel challenged. In any case, it pays to act sooner rather than later.

What About Girls?

If you assume your daughter will be organized and enthusiastic about school (oh, and love to read!) you may be surprised. “Never parent by stereotype,” warns Dr. Silverman. Ohio State’s Dr. Claudia Buchmann agrees: “If a child (daughter or son) is flourishing in school, parents should applaud her independence and champion her successes. But if she struggles in school, find resources to help.”

If your daughter is an independent academic go-getter, don’t assume she’s on autopilot. “Even when our girls are, by and large, thriving in the classroom, it doesn’t mean we don’t need to check in with them,” says psychologist Dr. John Duffy. “We never want to wait for a crisis to spur attention to our kids and their schoolwork. We tend to make our poorest decisions in the face of perceived crises. Instead, we want to be ongoing consultants to our kids, girls and boys, checking in with them frequently.”

Help with Crucial Success Skills

Boys tend to lag behind girls in executive function skills like organization and task persistence, but you can offer your son a leg up. Here are tested strategies from education expert Michele Borba, EdD, adapted from her book The Big Book of Parenting Solutions.

Create an organizational system. To help your child learn to organize task so he is less likely to forget school assignments, first provide a small date book with a page for each school day on which to write assignments. Then purchase a small binder with a different color divider for each school subject plus two additional dividers. Print “To Do” on the front of one divider and “Finished” on another, then write each subject name on the remaining dividers. For early readers, crate a symbol for each (such as a book to signify “Reading”). Then one at a time, teach your child to do these six steps:
1. Date. Write each assignment in the datebook on the due date the minute it is give.
2. Store. Put each assignment in the “To Do” section.
3. Do. The first homework task is to review the datebook assignments, then remove your papers from the “To Do” section.
4. Cross off. As each task is completed, cross off the assignment in the datebook.
5. Finish. Put each completed assignment in the “Finished” section of the binder.
6. Store again. When all assignments are crossed off, put the notebook in his backpack, and place the backpack in the same safe spot (such as by the front door) to find the next morning.
The trick is to teach only one organizational step at a time and then review the step with your child until it becomes a habit.

Support persistence. If your child tends to give up easily when it comes to homework or school projects, You can help him learn that success is a matter of hard work and that mistakes are a part of life. Then he can learn skills that help him persevere until he does succeed. A few things you can do to help him not give up:
* First, set a new house rule: “In this family we finish what we start.” Consider a policy of “no television or phone privileges” until he finishes his work.
* Next, set a timer on his desk for 10 minutes (or an appropriate length tailored to his attention span). Explain that he needs to keep working until the timer goes off, then he can take a quick break and reset the timer.
* Encourage him to tally the number of problems he completes for each time block and make a contest out of how many he can get done before the timer goes off, so he can see he’s succeeding. It might take a few times to get into this new homework routine, but by the end of a week he should be working the whole 10 minutes without help. Then you can increase the time.
By working shorter periods of time and realizing he is succeeding in little chunks, he won’t feel quite so overwhelmed, and his confidence will grow along with his ability to persevere. Meanwhile, keep encouraging his efforts and hard work.